Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
