Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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