I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
