Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
