when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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