She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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