i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
