I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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