Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
