well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
