I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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