He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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