I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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