were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize