We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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