Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
