People with herpes should wear stickers.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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