Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize