He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
