i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
