Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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