if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
