you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
