Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
