How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
