got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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