My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
