last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
