To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
