you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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