and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
