you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
