DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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