After last night, I could never be a politician.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
