6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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