I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
