I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Holy shit dude........stairs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
