So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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