at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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