If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize