if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i drank out of a bidet.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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