When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Shame - the story of my life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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