Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
