I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
