there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
