I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Randomize
