whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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