I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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