The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
