I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
