For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
