it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
we're making bets on your personal life
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
