the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hippo gnu deer
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
