FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize