tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
two words: eviction party
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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