im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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