Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
