I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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